But have not love

if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. and if i have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to remove mountains, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE, i am nothing, if i give all i have and i deliver up my body to burned, BUT HAVE NOT LOVE, i gain nothing.... 1 Corinthians 13

before i went to the community i prayed that God would open my heart and help me to love the people of Marajai even if i was only there for a few weeks......i know that as a missionary love should be like blood in our veins...but we are human too....and it is hard to love people who are unlovable...it is hard to open yourself up again and again knowing it will hurt when you walk away and leave them behind....

like the old saying goes ' it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before'..always thought that to be a sappy romantic thing, but i think it came true in my life...i let the people of Marajai into my life, i loved them as much as i could...and yes it hurt the day i left and a few days after...but when i look back on those pictures it brings a warmth to my heart and a smile to my face...i have never met a person who said that they regretted loving too much...now i am sure you could find plenty of people who would say they have not loved enough...

1 John 4:19" We love because he first loved us."

could i give it all away?

So I finished my first adventure into the community in the jungle....it has taken me a bit of time to unpack all that the Lord taught me in that time...I thought before coming here that i was not a selfish person, not that i go out of my way to give sacrificially but i am not stingy either...then i was shown in the by the people that i lived among what not being selfish really looks like....they share everything in the community, from food, to clothing, to water, nothing is considered only yours...my partner and I usually take our showers in the creek, but some nights that is impossible...so we walk over to a family's house and they allow us to use their water...this would seem like a very normal thing, but this is a family of about nine to ten people, and that is all they get for a whole day..they use it for washing dishes, taking showers, washing clothes, and to cook with...and every time they willingly give it away to us....not thinking of what will happen the next day if they don't turn on the pump and have no water....i realized that most of the time when i give i do it out of my abundance and not out of my poverty...it reminds of the story in Luke of the widow giving the last two coins she had to live on. I want to be like the widow but i find myself looking more like the rich people....i never give until it hurts...i never have to go without because i have given it all away...Why? why can't i live my life more like them, why can't i give it all away without expecting anything in return? When will i learn to love like this?

quiet, steady perseverance

Patience: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay......

a quiet, steady perseverance...

normally when people return from a trip abroad the first thing they say in comparison to the USA is how much more slowly things moved in whatever country they visited...this is true in Brazil as well...i have to ride the bus most days if i don't want to use my God-given mode of transportation(feet)...and there is no schedule for these buses...you just sit and wait...which means you must carve out a pretty good chunk of time if you want to go anywhere...

this is not the only way that God is teaching me patience right now....details about my job assignment seem to change every week....when i will be training...who it will be with....what i am supposed to do with the time in between....things at home change just as often as well...my friends are moving on with their lives as well....some getting married...some having babies...some graduating college and starting new careers.....all of which i get to watch from a distance...wishing them good luck through messages on facebook...

things with my own family change constantly as well....sometimes things are good and sometimes they get pretty bad....now is one of those times when things are bad....and for the first time in my life the phrase "God is in control" has taken on a whole new meaning.....these are no longer just words....this is what i cling to....it is one thing to willingly give up control of a situation....it is quite another when that has been taken from you....control is a funny thing you know...i thin we trick ourselves into thinking that we have it but in reality we never did....you can't say God is in control but then try to conduct your life all on your own....

Even though i don't understand what all this waiting has been for...or why things with my family are what they are....or why i am having to miss out on all these events in my friend's lives...but i know in the end God will get the glory....i am reminded constantly of the verse in Isaiah that talks about God's thoughts and ways being higher than ours....and even if i had the answers to all the Why's in my life...would it really make things any better....

I want it to be said of me that i had a' quiet, steady perseverance' through this trial

words are just so hard sometimes

So i know that this may sound a little nerdy but i have been thinking a lot lately about words...you know like communication, the way in which we as human beings express ourselves....before i tried to learn another language i took great pride in trying to speak as though i was very intelligent....now when i try to speak this new language i can't get through a whole sentence without making a mistake...talk about humility...but the most frustrating part is not being able to communicate what i came here to tell people about....i want to be able to tell them about Jesus and what he means to me and what he has done in my life....but i am not able to do this quite yet...which has made me pray a lot more often, but still is frustrating...i was reading the story of the tower of babel the other day and thinking God it would be a lot easier if we all spoke the same language but then i thought would i still be motivated to come over and share the good news with people or would it make me more lazy than i already am?

we are called to be in the world but not of the world...i have heard this phrase so many times but recently i have been trying to digest it's meaning...sometimes i use the excuse that i need to do these things to understand people more, to really get to know them...that is all a lie...i do these things because my carnal fleshly side wins out most times over my spiritual side...also because when i do make the wrong choice the consequences are not immediate and sometimes i don't feel them at all...when did i become so numb to grieving the spirit of the Lord? Can i really see a difference in the way i live my life from the way a non-christian lives theirs? have i tried so hard to fit in and not stand out that i have become invisible?

As i have been here in brazil now for about 7 months i have noticed some things that they do quite different from the US of A...one that has been on my mind recently though is about family..back home it is completely normal for extended family to go months at a time without speaking to each other whether you live in different cities or even different states...it is ok to only see family at holidays and that is usually when we are forced...here though it is normal for children to live with their parents until they are married and if a grandparent needs more help then they just move in, or if and aunt or uncle needs help raising their kids they move in too...there is always time for family and there is always space...at first i though this to be weird but now i look at the way we do this back home and i think maybe we are the ones who have it wrong.....the Bible tells us to love our family...to out do one another in showing honor...i think we could learn a thing or two from the brazilians..

Does God laugh?

So i know that usually i try to post things that are serious and meaningful and hopefully a little bit wise...but i think that sometimes we need to just laugh. So on that note i will share a little story about my experience with the bus system here in brazil. my sweet little town in Georgia never gave me the experience of riding a bus along side my fellow americans. So when i got to brazil and found out that besides my own two feet this would be my main mode of travel...lets just say i was a bit nervous...it took me almost two months just to muster up the courage to venture out on what of these riding death traps....i call them this because i think the bus drivers have the idea that because they are the biggest object on the rode they are allowed to take up as many lanes as possible and honk loudly if anyone dares to get close to them...In the first city i lived in my friend helped me learn the bus numbers and routes....and i became an expert, mainly because i was forced to take one to school and back everyday....i digress...the buses there were always on time...give or take a few minutes. so when i came to manaus of course my first question was about the schedule of the buses....i was told that there is no schedule...you just go out to the bus stop and wait sometimes for a few minutes sometimes for a few hours...it is always good to have a book on hand, or your trusty kindle....In order to help this problem i try to be flexible about what bus i want...as long as i get to my destination....even if i have to go around my elbow to reach my butt...i still get there, and prayerfully in one piece...

There was one day recently that i decided to be adventurous and take a new bus...thinking that i had seen it at the mall previously....When i boarded the bus there were plenty of seats available...quite a rarity around here....so i found my seat and made myself comfortable...as comfortable as you can get in leather seats that stick to your legs because of the sweltering heat....looking out the window and trying to find the usual markers to tell me where i am in the city....SSo after riding for about an hour i noticed that I was beginning to see the same markers i had seen in the start of this trip...this is when it dawned on me that this bus was not going where i wanted it to....no big deal...i get lost a lot...even in foreign countries....i thank my mom for passing on this gene....

So i finally got to a familiar place and started the waiting process all over again...all the time dreaming of the quarter pounder from mcdonalds....yeah we have those here....My bus finally came and i found my seat....during the ride a nice gentle man came to sit next to me...we did not speak at first, i jsut kept watching my landmarks....then he handed me a piece of paper...of course all in portuguese...with these cute little drawings of indians at the top....the only would i could make out was natural...so of course i thought that he must be an environmentalist who wanted to inform me of the efforts brazil is making to conserve the amazon rainforest... SO i listened to him talk for a while only understanding every third word or so that he said....then it dawned on him that i was not brazilian and did not speak his language...so then he hands me another paper...this one has a calander on it, and as i turn it over i see a tiny picture at the top...bringing it close for inspection...much to my horror i realize it is a man and a woman standing next to a sign in their birthday suits...no fig leaves here folks....this is when in the movies a cartoon lightbulb would be above my head and start shinning with all it's might....he was telling me about a nudist colony that he was a member of and of course wanted me to join as well....the worst part about a bus full of people is that if you happened to choose the window seat...you can go no where fast...so i was forced to listen to this man continue to explain to me about where i can find other places to be free of clothes....At this point i couldn't tell if my face was red from the heat or from the embarrassment.....the mans finally left and of course i polietly thanked him when i really wanted to crumple the paper and throw it back in his face.... it does make for a great story though now....

So when i finally reached my destination and walked through the mall to see those glorious golden arches, I was a little out of breath and in desperate need of some food....so i preoceeded to order, which is always a fun, and when i say fun i mean horrible, test of my language....I tried very hard to say the word for quarter pounder with only cheese...and the lady answered back: you want only cheese and bread? i said no, cheese bread and meat...i like the quarter pounder because it is the only one that they put two pieces of cheese on...and they put one on the bottom and one on the top...so i may have a bit of a love affair with cheese...we all have our weaknesses....anyways...when my order finally came i looked at the tray and much to my dismay there layed a tiny sad little ordinary hamburger with only one slice of cheese....i thought about telling her she messed up but i was so famished by this point...because of my adventurous bus ride, i just brought it to the table and sat down....as i said my prayer i asked God to make me grateful that i got to eat this food at all, and that even though it wasn't what i wanted hopefully i will still be satisfied at the end....and that is exactly what happened...the burger was just the right size...it reminded me that sometimes i think i know what i want and i try so hard to get it but God really knows what i need and if i would only trust Him then He would love to give me just that....I know it seems a little funny to use a story about a cheeseburger to talk about God, but I think even God laughs sometimes....

How do i find the joy again?

So tomorrow will make it four months that i have been in this country. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. I have been thinking about what to write on here for some time now, it is hard sometimes to decide just how open and vulnerable to be on here. There are times that i think that i am supposed to just suffer and make it through without asking for others prayers or support. A friend of mine reminded me that this way of thinking is not only foolishness but is also Satan trying to beat me down. Of course this job is hard, of course there are challenges, there are times that i feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Times that i question why i came here at all, how God could use someone like me.....I was warned that these things would happen, i did heed these warnings and think about how to deal with them.....but thinking and doing are two very different things....

there is no perfect missionary mold....we are look different and act different, we all handle stress and culture shock differently....it can be very tiresome always having to be the one to change...change how you dress, change how you eat, change how you speak, change how you look at the world...sometimes i just want to scream no i will not change anything else about myself....just take me as i am......but i was reminded through Paul that i must become all things to all people in order that they may know and hear the gospel....I must figure out how to let go of the American way of doing things and the Tricia way of doing things and some how figure out how to do things the God way.....

I have no idea what the next months or weeks hold for me, I try sometimes to imagine what it will be like but it seems that my imagination falls short....It is easy to get wrapped up in what your idea of something is and forget that there are other people involved who may have other ideas of how something should be....this is when i must trust that God is in control, even when i don't agree, even when i get frustrated and feel like my time here is being wasted.....

'the battle is in the mind" if we could ever gain even a small glimpse into the workings of a human beings mind, i think we might be blown away by what we find...i think it would point to the grandness of our God....but i have realized that for a christian this is where the war we wage on sin can be won or lost....this is where the battle to have joy every day and in every situation is won or lost....it is a choice to see the good in a situation....

What comes after the excitement is gone?

So i have officially been here for 46 days. This is the longest that I have ever been out of the country. It seems as though the newness of this adventure has worn away. I remember being in Virginia and thinking about all the places that the people around me were going and how incredibly exciting it was. I wondered though what would happen when all the excitement wears away and people now longer introduce you as the American, what are you left with? Well i will tell you, you are left with the day to day task of continuing to follow the Lord in obedience. I am learning more and more about how to actually live out this Christian life, in a place that I sometimes feel so alone it physically hurts, but the Lord has been gracious to me showing the He is what will sustain me.

Being stripped of everything that is familiar has an interesting effect on a person. In America I was a very independent and most of the time busy person, but here I can not really go anywhere by myself and I have a lot of hours to simply do nothing. This has afforded me the benefit at really taking a hard look at the things that I have been taught.

I listened to a David Platt sermon the other day and something he said struck me as genius: "Our contentment was never designed to be fulfilled in external circumstances, but by the internal working of Christ in your life." I have often wondered what it actually looks like to be content. Does it happen when you finally receive all the desires of your heart or can it be more than that...I would say that it has to be what David said, because our circumstances change with every waking hour and I think it is our choice to either focus on those or look into the eyes of our Maker and trust His heart.

I never thought I would have to continuously remind myself that this is what I wanted, I can remember last summer always giving my introduction to campers and saying i will be living in Brazil for the next two years, it always sounded so cool. Now that I am actually doing it and I fell the strain of being away from the people I love the most, and attempting to learn this language that I do not understand. The coolness is now gone, and I am simply left with the task ahead.

Even though I have never ran a marathon i look at this journey like that, at times the run is easy and fluid and then there are those moments where i am telling myself to just continue to put one foot in front of the other....that is where i am at, trying to continue to walk the straight and narrow.

I go to skype with some of the SWO people yesterday while at their Staff Orientation Weekend, it was such a blessing to my heart, because I know that when these people say " I am praying for you" they actually mean it, they are genuinely concerned about how the state of my heart is. Even though it is hard for me sometimes to admit my struggles, I have seen how the body of Christ will uphold you during those times, and it is oh so glorious...

Can a rainbow lead you home?

I have been running since right after high school. I hated it when i was in high school, mainly because it was someone else telling me to do it, and not for myself.....then when college started i was terrified of gaining the "freshman 15"....so i took up running, which at first was very disheartening....i could not even make it one mile without panting like an old woman trying to climb a steep hill...but i kept at it, since then i have run in a few 5K's...nothing all that spectacular...but i love it...i have kept running these last 7 years because it keeps me on the straight and narrow....i know that may sound crazy but it does.....i spend my time running with God...just me and him pounding out the frustrations on the day or crying over the brokenness i feel...somehow when i am done with that run, things just seem more simple, not quite as huge and unstoppable... honestly when i first felt the call to missions...this was on my mind, and I said God but what if i want to run wherever you send me....what if there is no where to run? I know it sounds silly but until i was willing to give that up, I could not surrender...but then if I could trust God with my life, why couldn't i trust Him with this little detail? I also love running because when i travel all i need is my trusty pair of running shoes and a good road and i am set...so of course when i got to Brazil this was on my mind...where could i run, would it be safe? could i go alone or would i have to rely on someone else? God did not leave me hanging though...he provided an awesome track just a short walk from the apartment i am staying at....i have only been there twice with my friend....but the other day I wanted to assert my independence and try it out on my own....so as we walked to the track i payed close attention to the roads and made metal markers...so after my first lap my friend said she was going back and said that is cool, i know the way back....knowing in my head that i really only had a vague memory of which way to go....so after she left i stood there thinking that maybe this wasn't the best idea I have ever had...no phone, can't speak the language, don't know the address of the apartment....but as all of this is running through my head i turned around and over the entire city was the most beautiful rainbow i have ever seen....not just the half ones, but a full half circle...it took my breath away...and at the at moment I heard God whisper to me...I will never leave you...so i ran one more lap and me and God walked back home...so cool

to God be the Glory.....

So i have been in Brazil for almost two weeks now...It is amazing how quickly time has gone by...of course there are moments when it seems to drag on and never end...This is the longest that I have been out of the country and I am beginning to feel the effects of it. I am living with a Brazilian family. they are great, but learning to assimilate to a new culture and a new language and a new living situation all at the same time, with very little sleep has been a big test for me...God is working on my patience big time. I have been to four church services so far. I used to love to go to church, it brought great joy to think about all my friends i got to spend time with and of course meeting our dear Father there, but now my stomach fills with knots and this little voice inside my head say, it is pointless, you won't understand them. But i go anyways and trust that our Father who is the author of all languages will provide a way for me to worship Him. one of my favorite parts of church is the worship music but not being able to understand the words has provided some frustrations for me. Last night though there was this moment, it was small and insignificant to most, but a song was being sung and the words were no longer foriegn but simple and straight to my heart...He is Glorious...three simple words but to my overwhelmed heart they were mighty and full of the power that i needed....standing in the back of the church and being able to sing in unison with my Brazilian brothers and sisters was just the encouragement that i needed!

and the adventure begins....

So after waiting for three long months to recieve this beautiful little stamp in my passport, I have finally made it to my first destination. The time I spent waiting was not wasted on me though, God and I had some very sweet time together. I was also there to help out in some family situations that would not have turned out so good if I were not there. I learned a lot about being flexible, not that I am a master at it, but I have gotten much better. God also taught me about being happy in the situation that He has placed you. I can not expect Him to change my location if I can not serve Him with a happy heart in the current situation.
I think that because of all the waiting and anticipating I was very excited when the day finally came to pack my bags and get on that plane. It was years of prayers, and prepartion to reach to this point, and to see the end result was so glorious. brings me back to a familar verse that says that God wants to give me the desires of my heart, especially when those desires are ones that are the same as His.
I will be living with a Brazilian family for the next couple of months before I make it up to Manaus. Pray that I have patience in learning this new language, and boldness to share even if I do not have the words.
Pray that I will learn to be even more flexible when things do not go my way, knowing that God has my best interest at heart.
Pray that during these next few days of Carnaval God will help the people of Brazil to see past all the glitz and glamor and see that they are in desperate need of the Father.

Did I Finish Strong? Did I walk straight? What will be said of me?

It seems as though this day would never come. The end of FPO. This feeling though in my stomach is vaguely familiar. It reminds me a lot of how the past two summers have ended for me. Anyone who has ever worked at SWO knows what this feels like. You are going strong trying to finish well and pour every last ounce of your energy into these kids and then all of a sudden it is over. Just as quickly as it came upon you it is now gone. You wonder what happened, you wonder if you can gain any of your sanity back, and if these people you just spent the last three months of your life with will become your new best friends when you all part your ways. Is it possible to get that close with a person in just three short months, that can't be true. It is though. It happens. It happened to me again, I am walking away from this experience with not only more tools in my toolbox, but also with more people to love in my corner. these people are now a part of my heart and I don't think I could remove them even if that desire crossed my mind. God has grafted them into my soul. I have once again gotten to experience what true community is all about. So as I look at saying goodbye to these fine people.....I'm just not going to say goodbye...I will say see you soon, because I just know that I will....I heard someone say that as a person in my line of work you get really good at saying goodbye...to friends, to family, to even children one day.....I think that we also become equally good at saying Hello!

pictures from FPO

My first post

These last few weeks have been quite a whirl wind. There have been times of being very overwhelmed. There have been times of pure and utter excitement about what is to come in the next few weeks. Attempting to put into words what i have been doing here at FPO is kind of like trying to describe the color red to a blind man. I have learned so much about what it truly means to be a "sent out" one of God. Not that i have some special calling placed on my life. I am simply living in obedience. Just as God told Abraham to go and he went. I have heard God tell me to go, and so I am going. I have met some pretty amazing people while I have been here. When I first got here I expected to be surrounded by other Journeyman just like me. That is not exactly what happened. There are only seven of us and the rest of the group is made up of couples, some with children, some without, some who are pregnant, some my parents age with college kids, and some that are more grandparent age. It is truly a melting pot of people from every way of life. Which is highly encouraging, it shows that God calls normal people, people who had real life jobs outside of the church. There are times that I look around and wonder why I ever thought that missionaries had to look a certain way, or act a certain way.