Left Behind

Right below my window men park their carts loaded with bright-red freshly-picked strawberries for just pennies a kilo. Strawberry season has been in its prime for the last few weeks, and I am eating them up as quickly as I can before the goodness is gone. Last night on my way home I bought a whole bag of 'em to cut and freeze. I thought if I can fill my freezer full, I could extend strawberry season for myself just a little longer. I took out my knife, washed the cutting board, turned on the music ... now where were those strawberries? I looked everywhere. I just had them! Did I put them in the freezer already? bathroom? closet? More frustrating than loosing my strawberries was the fact that this absent-mindedness seems to be infecting me more and more often - 30 years too soon! How could a kilo of strawberries just disappear like that?

Today is Thursday and I don't work until noon today. I decided to go for a walk by myself and explore more of this endless urban neighborhood of mine. I discovered a new bakery and bought some bread. I find myself buying a lot of stuff just because I want to practice arabic. It's one of the few things I can do confidently, so I always end up buying lots of stuff. On the way back I decided to walk into my favorite little shop at the corner to say good morning to Yousef, friend I've made there. "Good morning!" says I. Then I thought I'd just ask.... "You haven't seen a bag of strawberries lying around, have you? He grins and says, "These?" He ran to the back of the shop and brought back a bag full of strawberries. There they were! I had visited that shop after I had bought my strawberries and just left them behind on the counter.

So I was able to come back with breakfast and got a good laugh out of it... I needed that. It's been depressing lately. Everyday another friend makes the decision to leave at the end of the school year. Finances are not right, the school's new direction isn't agreeable, family issues need to be attended to. There are many legitimate reasons. I just long so deeply to have a community here that it breaks my heart to see people go - and even while these people are still here for now, it is impossible to prevent the mental switch that happens when you find out someone, especially those with whom you've been through the storm with, will soon no longer be a part of your life. I find myself questioning my calling to be here next year. Is God still in this? Has he abandoned this school? Is there even a purpose behind all this? I feel like I'm being left behind on a sinking ship. My mind trails off again thinking about what it would be like to go follow my own path - to drop this cross and live my own life. It seems to work out for everyone else!

Then He brings me back... I don't even know how to describe it. I find myself crying often. Crying out for Him to take me and grab me tight and hold me to Himself. I ask for His joy and His peace to fill where understanding, reason and earthly comforts have left a gaping hole. His is the life I want. His is the life more abundant. His is the life that is eternal. I believe this and I hold onto that truth like its an oxygen tank. How my heart echos David's psalm after psalm after psalm. Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - My savior and my God! There is nothing sweeter than when I taste the Truth of His Word.

So as I sit here his morning - having tied my shoes, put the last few things in my backpack and finished up my bowl of strawberries, I am reminded again that I am not walking out this door and going to work for a man, or a board, or a school or even the students - but for a Father who loves me. I work for the perfect boss, I learn from the perfect Teacher, I submit to His perfect administration. If He is for me, who can be against me? I am exactly where I need to be, held tight by His perfect Will. He'll let me go through dark days of my life for sure, but He'll never leave me behind.